Log in

oh boy

next entry »
Feb. 3rd, 2008 | 09:49 pm

Oh my, my first ever internet/real-life journal entry.

If you're reading this, you should feel special :).

Lately i've been going through a lot of changes and making some tough decisions. I've been really stressed the past few months due to my $2,000 debt, and i have been praying that some day soon i would find a way to pay off that debt and finally start saving money for my future which includes: a car that i own, car insurance, some way of moving out of my house, house insurance, groceries/utilities, money set aside to pay off college when that's all said and done, and most importantly: a ring for my soul mate to finally make things "official".

And then it happened: my dad proposed to me the opportunity to work for him doing hydraulic design mark-ups for $10/hour for 30 hours a week! The only downfall to this opportunity is that i have to wake up at 6:45 am 6 days a week, and its kind of boring computer work :( since i get up so early i often get headaches an hour or two into it, but thats nothing new to deal with i suppose. I took advantage of this opportunity because working 120 hours a month for my old man would net twice the amount of money i would "make" maybe at choi kwang do.

It was sort of a tough decision due to the fact that i really felt like i was accomplishing something 'important' at ckd-- not money wise, but morally/spiritually important. I was helping mr. bole out of debt supposedly, but more importantly i was teaching parents, adults, and married men/women how to defend themselves from the dangers of the world. Not to mention i was working with my best friends Jake and Shane. Jake hated it there so that is another reason i felt guilty of leaving because id feel like i was giving up on my best friend. I eventually made the tough decision, and talked with jake to make him understand that by me stopping 'working' there, that he could take my pay check and make twice the amount of money he was currently making, and i would also make much more money so i could begin the long process of getting out of debt. He understood, because he's my best friend and brother in the Lord and he agreed that money should not come between our deep friendship.

So i start working for my dad from 7-10 in the morning and then going to school from 11-5 in mondays and wednesdays and 11-2 thursdays/thursdays and then putting in 8 hours for my dad on friday since i dont have school then.

Out of the blue on thursday, rib city grill calls me for a job interview. It is a new restaurant specializing in cooking ribs if you can believe it. The manager Tim was a younger guy who seemed really laid back and interested in my martial arts experience (brownie points w00t!) and my experience in cooking for national and cooking at home. He offered me a job as one of the very first cooks there because its not even opened yet, and i will be paid $8.00 an hour which is nice, legal money. I call him tuesday to find out when i'll start work.

I also find out if i broke my thumb monday/tuesday.

And then friday, i made the worst decision i decided to make in a few months. I lied to Em about a stupid, pointless thing completely not worth lying over. We got into a huge fight at the same time ryan and sarah were fighting. I thought that it wasn't a big deal because it wasn't something really 'bad' that i lied about...but i didnt understand at the time that in Em's eyes, sarah's eyes, God's eyes, and the rest of the planets eyes that it doesnt matter the degree of 'badness' the thing you're lying about is. it is just simply the fact that you lie and be deceitful. Ryan and I talked about this all night long and we came to the conclusion that our family we suppose is living in a little 'bubble' where its alright to lie about small things to avoid confrontation. The huge flaw in this is that ever since we were little we didnt feel really bad remorse for lying about 'stupid' things and because of this, it became habitual i suppose. The result of lying about things to save my own ass causes me to pretty much have no backbone/guts/or balls because i can't own up to the things in which i do wrong because i thought that if i could lie about it, then i could be happy with people thinking that i was 'perfect' or a generally good person. Obviously this was seriously flawed due to the fact that because the idea that other people would have of me as a good person was based on lies and deceit. They would think i was a good person because i deceived them, which in turn makes me much worse of a person than i would have been in their eyes if i could have just been honest and hone up to my mistakes.

I honestly did not realize that my previous perception of lying and deceit was 'that bad' because thats the way that i've raised myself. Now that Em and I have had our long talk, and are basically broken up...i realize how fucked up and immature and selfish i was all along..I am sorry. I completely understand how the rest of the world's perception of lying and deceit works. I know that it does not matter what the lie is about, it is just the fact that the lie was told.

I've always looked at Em honestly like some supernatural, perfect person. I could not believe how innocent and true and pure she was. I didn't understand how she could be so awesome, unless she truly came from Planet Awesome (which i'm still debating). Then i realized that the reason that she does me no wrong, or sin against me or whatever is just because that she tells me the truth always. Even if it would hurt her to do so, she would tell me with 100% honesty. This is how she's lived her entire life, and i respect that SO much. Because she's lived her entire life like this, she doesn't do any wrong to me because she knows that if she did, she'd have to tell me and that fact alone prevents her from doing any wrong. It's so simple, yet so amazing to me because i've been ignorant of that fact all along..which is extremely sad, nerve wrecking, and depressing.

I know now that all i have to do in my life and our relationship is to be completely honest in anything I do. And because that is what has to happen, that fact alone will prevent me from doing her any wrong. I always thought that i had to work on not doing the 'thing' which made her mad...but it never was that thing..it was the fact that i'd lie about it. Thats all it was all along, and it seems so simple...but i never realized that. I feel like such a fucking dumb ass/loser/failure/ignorant/immature/selfish bastard. I am sorry...truly.

Now that we are just friends for the time being...i do not know how I am going to prove to her that she can trust me, but it will happen one way or another. She is all I care about, and that is the truth. if she is not happy with me, then i am not happy with me...and right now i am completely furious with myself for being so ignorant. Things will inevitably get better from this point on, because she is my world and my future and she has helped me grow and mature so much from the very beginning. The only choice in my life i have to make is to tell her the truth and be completely honest with her from this point on. This is all i had to do from the beginning, and i am so fucking sorry that i was such a selfish, dumb shit. This is not one of my 'tough life decisions', this is the only decision i can make if i plan on living with myself and the decisions that i've made. I promise you Em that i will somehow, some way, make things better between us. We will be normal again, better than before because you will know that you can trust me and when that time comes, i will never ever let you down. This i promise you, even if it doesnt really mean anything to you now...it will, because i will give you the best future comprehendible.

I am sorry, and I love you...you are my life and my hope. The thought of a future with you as the main component in my life is the only thing that keeps me going and the only thing motivating me to change my disgusting ways.

Until next time,


Link | Leave a comment | Share

Comments {1}

the land of lost monsters

(no subject)

from: xemily89
date: Feb. 4th, 2008 04:34 am (UTC)

your first comment

Reply | Thread