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Feb. 23rd, 2008 | 02:42 pm

Here I am again at another fork in the road of my life. My life that i can pretty much sum up as a 'failed attempt'.

One road leads to me trying to move on, accepting the fact that i've fucked up for good, remember the good times we had and use those as a reminder in life that true, pure love is very possible. This road seems the most logical, but i cant find myself ever wanting to walk down it...not yet at least. The hardest part about doing this would be the process of forgetting you, our memories, our habits, refraining from using nicknames that we've made up for things for fear of remembering you, my mistakes, and breaking down again.. Of course with this decision would mean that you would move on too and forget all of our good times..and probably only remember the bad ones to serve as a reminder to keep a lookout for those qualities in another man. You would move on and eventually find someone you deserve, someone who cherishes you like i do, but without all of my many flaws..That has to be the hardest thing i've ever thought of..

The other road is the road of hope. I want so badly to walk down this one. If i chose this, i would not be forced to move on asap and forget all of our silly inside jokes. This road would have to make me finally change my lying ways if it were ever to give me hope on a future with you. We would still be able to talk, and if i was lucky, i might be able to catch a glimpse of that beautiful smile i always tell you about.. the only thing stopping me from walking this path is the fact that you might never want me back, no matter how much ive changed and improved.. and i would just be holding on to our memories and my dreams for a little longer while you get over me..

Change is inevitable in me. You've shown me that the person i truly want to be is possible because you are that person. No one has ever given me hope like you have Em. The sad thing about this though is that it's like when a relative dies and then something exciting/genuine happens and people say "oh grandma would have been so happy to be here/see that" Well, if we both try to walk down my first road, ill end up getting my act together and all the time be thinking "wow, if Em were here now, she'd be so proud of me...if i could have done this before, we could have spent a lifetime together you stupid idiot"

I regret every mistake that ive made in my life Em, but none more than hurting you so bad.

I dont want to forget about you, I Cant..

You know that i love you, and i'm finally taking it serious even though its 99% probably too late..my love is going to motivate me to finally change.

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